Jesus & His Technicolor Astronauts

Hunie has been obsessed by God and death lately. As Tingu broke the damn on this topic around the same age or younger, I feel much more at ease with the fact this little dude is discussing it. However, Hunie’s vivid descriptions of death are a far cry from Tingu’s scientific explanations. I am attributing this to Jesus Camp, where the concept of hell seemed to be introduced in some manner.  Jesus Camp (not the real name!) was actually a very well regarded camp full of outdoor activities and games but with a Christian theme. For the most part, it was terrific. The kids loved it.

However when you have a kid like Hunie, who has an explosive imagination and has been brought up reading stories of Hanuman, the monkey god, has a brother who disqualifies all facets of religion but is creating experiments nonstop and then is sent to Jesus camp for a week, you are going to get some good stories. If he ever becomes a movie producer, I am taking credit for this summer as the catalyst that started it all.

Hanuman, protector against all evil, is said to be the son of the Wind God and a cursed  Angel. 

Also given the fact, that we seemed to have moved into the wild kingdom, we see a lot of…shall we say, ‘circle of life’ events….from the genocide of a whole clutch  baby wolf spiders to deer that impale themselves on our fences. The genocide was all me and I do feel bad for it but Holy God (no pun intended), I saw this massive spider walking across the veranda. We thought it was a small bird at first – it was seriously that big! As we went to investigate, the spider keeled over and died from the strong layer of insecticide we keep around the perimeter of house. If you come visit, don’t let your babies lick my doorsteps. Anyway, I got a broom to sweep the spider  away and as I did, a shower of tiny particles flew off it in every direction. Before I could even rationalize what it was, the particles started crawling about and we (Chubbers & I) shrieked and ran inside where I grabbed the kid-friendly (?!) industrial insecticide and sprayed those suckers to well, hell.  I do feel bad and am making a concerted effort to look into organic gardening as an alternative but it was FREAKY. And in term of circle of life in the wild kingdom, we now have an increase in ants who are eating the dead bugs. I am buying ant killer tonight. Life in the wild kingdom can be brutal for all involved but at least I got heated floor tiles. Anyway back to the topic of hell, which is where I am for surely going.

Our wildlife  : 1. The cutest baby lizard ever (2.) Moths playing "leap frog" (3.) Big  arm-sized Turtle which almost snapped my finger off (4.) Red-eyed flesh fly (don't worry, sounds bad but isn't) (5.) Wolf spider (6.) Dead Blue bottle fly (7.) The snail that definitely wasn't Turbo.

B calls me at work:

B: “Hey, what’s up?”

Me: “ Oh, you know the usual.” (he never calls me at work so this is all unusual)

B : “Hey so, a deer has impaled itself on our fence.”

Me: “What?! Are you kidding me?!  Now?! Send me a picture.”

(texts a blurry picture of green)

Me: "I can’t see anything, get closer.”

B:  “No way, there are some massive birds out there.”

Me: “ Get out there and be a good investigative reporter………don’t let them scratch your head.”

B (grumbling): “ It really stinks! If I get attacked by the birds….”

Me: "Wow that is a big bird !"

Me: “Oouf! Goodness, that had to hurt.”
B: “ Who do I call?”

Due to the graphic content I kept size of this pic small. You're welcome!

After attempting to make this a problem of the city (they said no)  I had to resort to goggling ‘dead deer removal’. I was a bit surprised by the number of services in our city.  Of course, the man’s name was Verron. Though it actually ended up being her name. Not that surprised, right? Me either.

B: "Alright so I called Verron and they are going to remove the deer and dispose of it."

Me: "Will they sanitize the fence afterwards?"

B: "Are you serious?! Yeah, I will tell them to Lysol it."

Me: "No, really tell them to clean it. I don't want deer guts on the fence. Also where do they dispose of it?"

B: "I don’t know! The deer cemetery."

Me: "Can we go with them? We could do a Cosby-style goodbye to the deer....for the kids."

B: silence

Me: "You know, a little deer funeral?"

B: more silence

B: "You should go back to work."

The kids were seemingly unphased by the passing of the deer. For the record, the deer had many escape options as we have made deliberate efforts to avoid this kind of tragedy. This was pure and simple Darwinism at work. Moral of the story: Don’t panic, you will self-impale. Huns didn't buy this or the subsequent explanation of Darwinism.  “The deer is in heaven.” Well, that is good, as up till now I only thought he knew about hell.  It went downhill from there. “ He is with Jesus and his astronauts.”

This drawing was of Jesus and children of all races around  the world holding hands. Through the Hunie filter, it became Jesus in space  on the cross with his astronaut buddies. To avoid an equally undesirable state of being , Hoons equipped the astronauts with proper oxygen-providing space suits.

Usually while eating a wonderful dinner in the sunlight with his parents, grandparents and brother, the only thing missing from this idyllic picture is a golden retriever, Hunie will come to us with the following nuggets on passing:

1.       “The best way to die is when you get old and go to sleep and die. The worst is to be stabbed in the heart.”

2.       “Don’t worry about that Nani. You will definitely be dead by then.” We all almost died right there choking on our dinner in shock and amusement.

3.       “Zombies will suck your brains out when you die and walk around the streets”. Great, thanks Hoons.

4.       “I won’t kill anything (thoughtfully looks at the chandelier) expect Nazis”. History lessons combined with Indiana Jones gone wrong.

and then he improv-ed a rather lethal version of 'Rain, Rain, Go Away', which this summer, is warranted :

Stabbed in the Heart from burnbright on Vimeo.

Tingu thinks the idea of hell is ludicrous. Hunie however was apprehensive and dare I say, perhaps a tepid believer. Oh, if only I could harness that belief - how I would love to use this to get him to do my bidding. Hey, hey, I think I'm onto something....

Jesus and the Astronauts from burnbright on Vimeo.